Have to write something for my Therapeutic Communication class about "the most valuable thing I've learned this semester" and I have something hard in mind. I'm not sure how to write about this well without sounding self-justifying or defensive. What I really want to write about (this is actually a lot more of what I thought this blog would be about, and maybe it will be as I do more and more counseling) is the last session I did—it was really challenging.
(All specifics have been changed around.)
The client began by talking about a sort of surface-level story about being "annoyed" with someone in his family. Listening and questions seemed to take us nowhere but stuck in "annoyed" and a strong disinclination to say anything self-reflective. I asked about states of feeling he had referred to in his story, but he declined to go into them. I offered simple observations about his body language which he ignored. I tried more quiet listening, he seemed insecure and embarrassed without my active participation. And yet, most of the gentle things I said, he disagreed with (which is fine to do, but he seemed pretty judgmental about it). At one point I asked him what it felt like to be "hurt" and he flatly denied being hurt. When I explained that I was referring to his own words a little earlier, he seemed a little nonplussed, but still annoyed with me. In fact, the "annoyance" he was expressing at someone else seemed instead to be directed at me. He said no. On and on like this.
At several points during the session, I said, "It feels hard to connect." or "It seems like you don't want to be talking about this—is there something else you'd like to talk about?" etc. But nothing I thought of really broke through. I was confused, but luckily, I was managing to stay present and not get my feelings hurt. I felt aware of how hard the session was, but up for the challenge.
We tried a few minutes of silent meditation together at my suggestion, I tried offering him a role-playing session which he declined, I tried many many things I've been taught this semester and they all failed. Our session was dead, uncomfortable and shallow.
When our class sessions end, we have to review how it went with one another. I said, "I feel like it was hard for us to make a connection, and I feel curious
about that. Towards the beginning I was
trying a bunch of things, just kind of experimenting with what might be
good. And I liked doing that—I didn't feel bad when things didn't
work—I just felt focused on you. I don't totally understand why we didn't connect but in
a way it was an interesting session anyway."
That's when he told me that he didn't trust me because of something judgmental he'd heard me say at the beginning of the semester. He said that that's why he didn't feel safe with me. He also said that he'd known he felt this way when I asked him to counsel and it had made him reluctant to work with me. He did not explain why he did not tell me what was really going on.
Everything started to make sense, and I felt a lot of relief that it was not just my terrible counseling that was making it so bad between us, but instead something I had done. I was non-defensive (an observer confirmed this, and confirmed to me what a difficult session it had been.) The client said he felt better for having told me, and I said I felt curious about what the session would have been like if he'd told me at the beginning. I thought it might have been hard but juicy and good.
Now, a few days later, I'm feeling a little manipulated. I also feel judgmental towards my client, like, "this is how a therapist in training behaves??" And yet, I also have this funny (for me) feeling of ok-ness. I am not super-anxious. I find myself wanting to talk and think about it, to understand what was going on. But I actually think I did a pretty good job, despite how challenging it was.
So I'm feeling what it's like to work hard and fail, but to know I did strong work.
